Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
