You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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