come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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