Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
