i already hear my dad disowning me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
