Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
