so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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