The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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