Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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