She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
you win again, gameday.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
