Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
