my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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