my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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