If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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