once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
