You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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