So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
