I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
