CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
