god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
