it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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