So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
