we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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