i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Randomize
