remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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