your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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