I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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