I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
