Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She bit a glass in half.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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