new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
