i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm both gender and math confused
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
