this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
