hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
