i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
