alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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