I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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