guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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