In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
