i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
