So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
