I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
