My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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