he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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