So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
