Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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