True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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