Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
