I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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