Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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