I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
