I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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