so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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