do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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