I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
