you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
