got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
