I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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