I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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